02 januari 2009

Jezelf durven zijn

Een tijdje geleden ging ik in (hier) op het nogal lange artikel van Talia Mae Bettcher (19 A4). Bettcher is M-V transvrouw zoals ze zelf in haar artikel aangeeft. In haar artikel beklaagt ze zich over het probleem dat transmensen soms gezien worden als oplichters wanneer ze in bepaalde (seksueel geladen) situaties niet aangeven trans te zijn. En volgens haar was hier geen echte oplossing voor.

De oplossing die ik toen voorstelde, was gewoon te zeggen wat je bent. Niet meer en niet minder. Wees eerlijk en durf jezelf te zijn.

Vanavond vond ik op de site van Evelien Snel (hier), zelf een M-V transvrouw, de volgende passage onder de titel Skinny Dipping (hier). Ze heeft geen 19 bladzijden ingewikkeld proza nodig of een abstract betoog. Ze introduceert het probleem en vertelt hoe ze het oploste. Geen gezeur over hoe oneerlijk de wereld is voor transen. Gewoon jezelf durven zijn. Zo kan het dus ook.

Ze schrijft op haar site wel dat ze even aarzelde of ze dit zou publiceren. Gelukkig heeft ze dat wel gedaan.

If you start living full-time in the opposite gender role, you go around every day trying to look like a girl although you have a male body. The more clothing you wear the easier that is. But you will run into problems with activities where you don't wear so much clothing, such as swimming.

In the three years since my transition I had only swum one time. That was in a swimming pool in Italy. Julia so much wanted to go for a swim, I couldn't refuse that. But I didn't feel ready for it. I hadn't started with my hormone treatment yet, so my body was still completely male, but I had to go dressed as a girl. With falsies in my bikini top and with an unnatural bulging in my panty. I didn't feel really at ease there, but afterwards it was a good feeling to know I had conquered my fear and done Julia a favor.

But it gets even more complicated. In the past Julia and I always went to naturist beaches. Yes, that's right: Skinny dipping! We always loved the atmosphere at naturist beaches: people are very friendly and they care about the environment. You won't find empty cans and bottles or cigarette buds on a naturist beach. These people clean up their mess when they leave.

Of course on a naturist beach transvestism is impossible. Without any clothes you cannot pretend to be anything but yourself. So I hadn't been there since my transition. It was impossible for me to go anywhere if I would have to look like a guy. But things have changed. Now that I am on hormones, my body is changing. I don't look like a man anymore, I look like a... SheMale!

Of course a SheMale is a rather unusual kind of person, but I had decided I wanted to go to the naturist beach again as soon as I didn't look like a man any more. So last week I took the big step and went to the beach for the first time in three years. I have to admit I was a bit scared to do that. But I am not sorry I did. It is so relaxing to let go of all pretending and make-believe. I was just me, nothing more, nothing less!

Of course people have looked at me. There is nothing wrong with that! Everybody looks at everybody else. Some people will have thought: "Hey, HE has breasts!" and others thought: "Hey SHE has a penis!" And they were right! So what!

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